Please stop, I swear to God you can have my money, my jewellery; please, I can go to the cash machine to withdraw all the money I have in my account, but please don’t touch me I beg you in God’s name, I’ll be getting married tomorrow please don’t do this to me……NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

“Baby, baby? wake up, is everything ok? You were screaming and struggling in your sleep, are you sure everything is fine?” He asked me, “I’m fine dear, it’s just one of those nightmares.

Don’t worry, I’ll pray now and I’ll be fine.”

“Go back to sleep babe, don’t worry I’m fine, I promise I won’t wake you up again.”

His look gave everything away, because I know my husband doesn’t believe me; I wouldn’t blame him though, I mean with the reoccurring nightmare and my moodiness, who would believe me when I say I’m fine? My loving, caring and God-fearing husband, a man who God specially made for me, prayed with me and went back to sleep.

This has been my situation for 4 years now, 4 years of pain and bad memories. 4 years of tears and unhappiness in my marriage, 4 years of denying my husband sex, and 4 years of no issue due to the fact that I can’t stand the thought of sexual intercourse with anyone. Not even my husband.  Years of bitterness, grief, self pity and denial.

Tell me how I can ever forget the day to my wedding, the day that changed my life forever.

For me not to disturb my husband, I have to tiptoe to our spare room, the room we specially reserved for our future baby. You need to see how happy my husband was, his eyes sparking like a baby who just got his present from Santa Claus.

 He even decorated it with girlish stuffs, as he is always boasting of having a female child as his first.

Lying on the bed now makes me feel worthless, makes me feel like a devil, because  I deny this man who has been patient with me all these years what will make him happy. I know you will definitely be saying I’m foolish, which I completely accept because I should never have said ‘yes’ after that cursed day…

I remember the day to my wedding so well, music blasting from the speaker, the aroma of jollof rice, fried rice and soups dancing on the big pots used in the preparation. Even the food was smiling, probably because it knew that it was a day to my biggest dream.

My bridesmaids were all around me teasing me about what I’ll miss after being a Mrs tomorrow, including not being able to admire HOT GUYS that usually show off in the gym. My mum being the typical African mother, gave me all the words of encouragement. We were all crying and laughing, drinking and dancing, as it was indeed a glorious day; until, my phone went off and I had to go to the nearest shop to pick up my Aso Oke.

I decided to walk alone to the shop so I can breathe in some African fresh air, that isn’t as bad as New York City’s stuffed air. Like, who wouldn’t want a bit of fresh air after all the stress of fixing things for the marriage. Wandering with my thoughts, I was grabbed, blindfolded and taken to a lonely spot which all happened within a short space of time.

I was screaming and kicking hard but no one could hear me. I was begging, praying madly to God, but even God wasn’t listening… The whole world turned their back against me. It was like the devil we always prayed against was sitting close to me, mocking me, as four guys brutally entered me with no mercy until I passed out.

Left in the bitter cold to be fed on by the miserable night, until I was rescued by my sister who found me.

Although that night was miserable, I washed my face and still managed to go to the altar where I took my marital vows, crying because I felt dirty. Crying for my innocence, that was lost to some complete strangers, after years of preserving myself for this day.

I cried hard, because who will understand my predicament? How will I tell my husband that I was raped, thus making me to deny him sex for years? How can I tell my husband that I can’t bear the thoughts of having kids, because I feel my body has been desecrated? I don’t deserve to have kids pass through the most painful place that was meant to give me pleasure.

How would friends and family react, when they find out that I’m a rape victim, who kept this secret from her husband and even went on with the wedding vows?

How can i make myself a ridicule to the ministry we have been building for years? Someone please, tell me how? How can I face the world after all this, who will save me from this mess? Who?

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